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A Good Collection of Heaven and Religious Jokes.
A Fishy Story.....
A priest took a sabbatical to a fishing lodge. On
the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.
The guide, holding a net yelled, "Look at the size of that Son of a
Bitch!" "Son, I'm a priest. Your language is un-called for!"
"No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is--a Son of a Bitch fish!"
Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!" Once in the boat,
they marveled at the size of the monster. "Father, that's the biggest Son
of a Bitch I've ever seen." "Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What
should I do with it?" "Why, eat it of course. You've never tasted
anything as good as a Son of a Bitch!" Elated, the priest headed home to
the church. While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired
about his trip. "Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"
Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!" "It's OK,
Sister. That's what kind of fish it is--a Son of a Bitch fish!" "Oh,
well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?"
"Why, eat it of course. The guide said nothing compares to the taste of a
Son of a Bitch." Sister Mary informed the priest that the Pope was
scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for
his dinner. "I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch", she said. As she was
cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in. "What are you doing
Sister?" "Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the
Pope's dinner." "Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please
watch your language!" "No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch fish.
Really." "Oh well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with
it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course! Let me know when you've
finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch." On the night of the Pope's visit,
everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was
fine, and the fish was excellent. The Pope said, "This is great fish, where
did you get it?" "I caught that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the
proud priest. The Pope's eyes opened wide, but he said nothing. "And I
cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the Sister. The Pope sat silent in
disbelief. The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a
special recipe!" The Pope looked around at each of them. Slowly a big smile
crept across his face as he said, "You motherfuckers are my kind of
people!"
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Watch what you say to little ones.
While I was recovering from surgery and spending most of the day in bed, my
seven year old son asked me why I didn't get a boyfriend, since his Dad ran off.
I told him the television is my new boyfriend, he entertains me all the time.
And, even though he sometimes doesn't start, I just give it a few hard whacks on
the side and it comes back on and I'm happy as a lark for hours. He was
satisfied with the explanation and walked away. Sunday the pastor stopped by to
check on my recovery. My son answered the door. The pastor smiled and asked
"Is your Mom busy, son? My little one looked up at him and replied, Yes,
sir, she is in the bedroom banging her new boyfriend and once she gets him
started, she'll be happy as a fart for hours!!!
A GIRL'S PRAYER
Lord,
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One whose willy's thick and long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
When promises to call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who will make love to my mind,
Knows just what to say, when I ask "How big's my behind?"
One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin',
In the hall, the bath, the garden and kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me no end,
And never attempt to shag my best friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the dickhead you sent me instead.
Amen.
A BOY'S PRAYER
Lord,
I pray for a girl with big tits.
Amen.
A man appears before the Pearly Gates. "Have
you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks. "Well, I
can think of one thing...." the man offers. "Once I came upon a gang
of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I told them to leave her alone,
but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed
biker. I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring
and threw it on the ground. Then I told him, 'Leave her alone or you'll answer
to me." St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?" "A
couple of minutes ago."
Seeking Advice
An elderly Italian Jewish man wanted to unburden his guilty conscience by
talking to his Rabbi. "Rabbi, during World War II, when the Germans entered
Italy, I pretended to be a Catholic and changed my name from Levy to Spumoni,
and I am alive today because of it." "Self preservation is allowable,
and the fact that you never forgot that you were a Jew is admirable," said
the Rabbi." "Rabbi, during the war, a beautiful Jewish woman knocked
on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic, and
they never found her." "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you
have no need to feel guilty." "It's worse, Rabbi. I was weak and told
her she must repay me with sexual favors, which she did, repeatedly."
"You were both in great danger and would have suffered terribly if the
Germans had found her. There is a favorable balance between good and evil, and
you will be judged kindly. Give up your feelings of guilt." "Thank
you, Rabbi. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."
"And what is that?" "Should I tell her the war is over?
There are three religious truths:
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian
faith.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
Subject: Son of a Bitch Fish
A priest took a sabbatical to a fishing lodge. On the last day of his he
hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in. The guide, holding a net,
yelled "Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!" Son, I'm a priest.
Your language is uncalled for! No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is. A Son
of a Bitch fish! "Really? Well help me land this Son of a Bitch!" Once
in the boat, they marveled at the monster. "Father, that is the biggest Son
of a Bitch I've ever seen." "Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What
should I do with it?" "Why eat it of course. You've never tasted
anything as good as that Son of a Bitch!" Elated, the priest headed home to
the church. While unloading his gear, and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired
about his trip. "Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"
Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!" "It's ok
Sister. That's what kind of fish it is. A Son of a Bitch fish!" "Oh,
well then what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?"
"Why, eat it of course. The guide said nothing compares to the taste of a
Son of a Bitch." The Sister informed the priest that the Pope was scheduled
to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for dinner.
"I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch", she said. As she was cleaning
the huge fish, the Friar walked in. "What are you doing Sister?
"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the Pope's
dinner." "Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your
language!" "No, no, no. It's called a Son of a Bitch fish.
Really." "Oh, well in that case I'll fix up a great meal and that Son
of a Bitch can be the main course! Let me know when you've finished cleaning
it." On the night of the Pope's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar
had prepared an excellent meal, there was wine, and the fish was excellent. The
Pope said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?" "I caught
the Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest. The Pope's eyes opened
wide, but he said nothing. "And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!"
exclaimed the sister. The Pope sat silent in disbelief. And the friar added,
"And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!" The Pope
looked at each of them. Slowly a big smile crept across his face. "You
fuckers are alright!!"
A priest was driving along and saw nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered
her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing the habit to open
and reveal a leg. The priest looks and nearly has an accident, and after changing gear
lets his hand slide up her leg. She immediately says, "Father, remember psalm
129". The priest says sorry and removes his hand but is unable to remove his eyes
from her leg. Further on when he changes gear and has ogled at her leg for the zillionth
time he lets the hand slide up the leg again. The Nun once again says, "Father
remember psalm 129". Arriving at the convent the nun gets out and the priestgoes on
his way. Once he arrives at his church he rushes to the bible and looks up psalm 129 and
it said,
"GO FORTH AND SEEK, FURTHER UP YOU WILL FIND GLORY"
MORAL OF THE STORY IN YOUR JOB YOU SHOULD ALWAYS BE WELL INFORMED OR
YOU MIGHT MISS A GREAT OPPORTUNITY
An Episcopal Priest, a Catholic Priest, and a Rabbi die in a car crash. They go to
heaven for orientation. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket, and
friends, family, and congregates are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them
say?" The Episcopal Priest says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a
wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man. "The Catholic
Priest says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful teacher and a servant of
God who made a huge difference in people's lives. "The Rabbi replies, "I would
like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving!"
A Jewish girl tells her Catholic college roommate that she's going home for Rosh
Hashanah. The Catholic girl asks the Jewish girl, "Is that the holiday when you light
the candles?" "No," the Jewish girl replies. "That's Hanukah" The
Catholic girl then asks the Jewish girl, "Is that the holiday when you eat the
unleavened bread?" "No," the Jewish girl replies. "That's Passover.
Rosh Hashanah is the holiday when we blow the shofar." "See," the Catholic
Girl replies. "That's what I like about you Jews...you're so good to your help."
"Sunday School..."
A Sunday School teacher was speaking to her class one Sunday morning and
she asked the question...
"When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?"
Suzie raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzie?" Suzie replied, "Because
when
you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes
your hands first!" "What a wonderful answer!" the teacher said.
Now Tommy raised his hand and said, "Teacher, I think it's your legs."
The teacher looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now,
Tommy, why do you think it would be your legs?"
Tommy said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom
the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air
and she was going,'O God I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't had her
pinned down, we'd a lost her for sure!!"
God found Adam sitting on a log and looking dejected. So God asked
him, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk
to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it
would be a woman.
God said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you,
and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She will always
agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never
ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong
when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will
freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
The rest is history...
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in a buggy one cold blustery
day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold."
The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them
up." So the daughter did and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend and he said, "My hands are
freezing cold."
The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them
up." So he did and warmed his hands.
The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter
He said, "My nose is cold."
The girl replied. "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it
up." So he did and warmed his nose.
The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis
is frozen solid."
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to
her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"
Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?"
The daughter replies, "Well they make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't
they?"
A man, called to testify at
the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest
clothing. Let him think you are a pauper." Then he asked his lawyer the
same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you.
Wear your most elegant suit and tie." Confused, the man went to his
rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the
dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi. "A
woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night.
'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when
she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice: 'Wear your most sexy
negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel. The man protested,
"What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"
"No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."
ZEN
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may
not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper,
that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced,you can't be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
10. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
11. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
12. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when
you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
13. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
14. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in
a boat & drink beer all day.
15. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
16. Don't squat with your spurs on.
17. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
18. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
19. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
20. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
21. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your
pocket.
22. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a raindance.
23. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
24. Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the
universe together.
25. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
26. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
27. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Tommy Shaughnessy enters the confessional box and says, "Bless me,
Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman." The priest
asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?" "Yes, Father, it
is." "And who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her
reputation." "Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so
you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?" "I
cannot say." "Was it Patricia Kelly?" "I'll
never tell." "Was it Liz Shannon?" "I'm
sorry, but I'll not tell name her." "Was it Cathy
Morgan?" "My lips are sealed." "Was it Fiona
McDonald, then?" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy
Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. Be off with
you now." Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over
and whispers, "What'd you get?" Tommy says, Five good
leads!"
In the beginning God created Eve. And she had 3 breasts. After three weeks in the
garden, God came to visit Eve."How's things, Eve?" He asked. "It is all so
beautiful, God," she replied."The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the
smells, the sights, everything is wonderful ... but I just have this one problem. It's
these three breasts you've given me. The middle one pushes the other two out, and I am
constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches, snagging them on bushes,
they're a real pain," reported Eve. "That's a fair point," replied God,
"but it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals what, six? So I just
figured you'd need half, but I see that you are right. I'll fix that up right away!"
So, God reaches down and yanks the middle breast right off, tossing it into the bushes.
Three weeks passed, and God once again visited Eve in the garden. "Well, Eve, how's
my favorite creation?" He asked. "Just fantastic," she replied, "but
for one small oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has
her ram, the cow has her bull, all the animals have a mate, except me. I feel so
alone."
God thought for a moment. "You know, Eve, you're right. How could I have overlooked
this! You do need a mate and I will immediately create Man from a part of you! Now, let's
see ... where did I leave that useless boob.
§ LORD, GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I
CANNOT CHANGE;
§ THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN CHANGE;
§ AND THE WISDOM TO HIDE THE BODIES OF THOSE PEOPLE I HAD TO KILL BECAUSE THEY PISSED ME
OFF.
One day Mr. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at his church.
"Reverend," he said, "I have a problem. My wife keeps falling asleep during
your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this pin with you. I'll be able
to tell when she's sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion,
you give her a good poke in the leg with the pin."
In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his
plan to work. "...And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding
to Mr. Jones.
"Jesus!" cried Mrs. Jones as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the pin.
"Yes, you are right, Mrs. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mrs. Jones
nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed her dozing. "Who is your
redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mr. Jones.
"God!" cried out Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin once again.
"Right again, Mrs. Jones," said the minister, smiling and continuing his sermon.
Before long, Mrs. Jones dozed off again. However, this time the minister didn't notice. As
he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mr. Jones mistook as
signals to wake his wife again.
He was just sticking his wife with the pin again when the minister asked, "...And
what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones shrieked, "You stick that damned thing in me one more time and I'll break
it off and shove it up your ass!
Category: Religious
Advertisement: SShaboat 's Home Page http://www.geocities.com/RodeoDrive/Outlet/3546
Date: 12/99
Joke:Two nuns are riding their bikes down the back streets of Rome. One leans over to the
other and says, "You know, I've never come this way before."
The other nun whispers, "It's the cobblestones."
Category: Religious
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 3/99
Joke:This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service bloopers:
Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High".
Don't let worry kill you--let the church help.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Weight Watchers will meet a 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large
double door at the side entrance.
Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She's used the program
herself and has been growing like crazy!
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the
sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children
will be baptized at both ends.
Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please
come early.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the
altar.
The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly
and the rest of the congregation will join in.
Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All
those wishing to do something on the carpet should come forward and do so.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the
church basement Saturday.
Thursday night--Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and
to the deterioration of some older ones.
The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the
choir.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come
early and listen to our choir practice.
During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon
when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.
The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.
The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who
has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for
the Hanging of the Greens.
The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet" in the church basement on
Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their
first child.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be
used to cripple children.
Category: Religious
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 3/99
Joke: SIGNS ON CHURCH PROPERTY
"No God-No Peace. Know God-Know Peace."
"Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!"
"Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins."
"Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!"
When the restaurant next to the Lutheran Church put out a big sign with red letters that
said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are
open on Sundays, too."
"Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons-come hear one!"
A singing group called "The Resurrection" was scheduled to sing at a church.
When a big snowstorm postponed the performance, the pastor fixed the outside sign to read,
"The Resurrection is postponed."
"People are like tea bags-you have to put them in hot water before you know how
strong they are."
"Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!"
"Fight truth decay-study the Bible daily."
"Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives":
"Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But
the retirement benefits are out of this world."
"It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."
"Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."
"If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."
"In the dark? Follow the Son."
"Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up."
If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd !"
Category: Religious
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 2/99
Joke:
Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me father for I have sinned. I
have been with a loose woman."
The Priest says, "Is that you, Tommy?
Tommy says "Yes father, it's me."
The Priest says "Who was the woman you were with?"
Tommy says "I cannot tell you, father, because I don't want to ruin her
reputation."
The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
Tommy replies "No, father."
The priest asks, "Was it Fiona MacDonald?"
Tommy replies "No."
The priest asks, "Was it Ann Brown?"
Tommy replies "No."
The priest asks, "Was it Mary Elizabeth O'Shea?"
Tommy replies "No, father."
The priest asks, "Was it Amy Thomas?"
Tommy replies "No, father."
The priest asks, "Was it little Cathy Morgan?"
Tommy replies "NO father! I cannot tell you."
The priest finally says, "Tommy, I admire your perseverance, but you must atone for
your sins. Your penance will be four 'Our Fathers' and five 'Hail Mary's'. Now go back to
your seat."
Tommy walks back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and whispers, "What
happened?!"
"Well, I got four Our Fathers, five Hail Mary, and six good leads."
Category: Religious
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 2/99
Joke: One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole.
He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of
the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge
knot on his head, and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the
golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy.
Upon awaking, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a
leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes." The man says, "I can't take anything
from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away.
Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks to himself, "Well, he was a nice
enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the
three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a
great sex life."
Well, a year goes by and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th
hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When
he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.
The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?""
"It's great! I hit under par every time."
"I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?"
The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my
pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill."
"I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?"
The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a
week."
The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Once or twice a week?"
"Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
Category: Religious
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 2/99
Joke:The Catholic Service
A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with a pet dog which he loved and
doted on. After many long years of companionship, the dog finally died so Muldoon went to
the parish priest:
"Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I am so very sorry to hear about your dog's death. But,
unfortunately we cannot have services for an animal in the church. However, there's a new
denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they'll do something
for the animal."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right now. Do you think $500 is enough to donate for the
service?"
Father Patrick: "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?!"
Category: Religion
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 1/99
Joke:
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said,
"TWO PROSTITUTES.......$50.00." A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and
told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES." They
asked the cop why he let the other car go and he said, "Well, that's a little
different, it pertains to religion." So the two ladies took their sign down and took
off.
The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving
around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to
catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which read..........
"TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER.....$50.00."
Blue Ribbon
Category: Religion
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 1/99
Joke:
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked
the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put
a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a
storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off
his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for
it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah
God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling
contest at St. Taffy's.
Category: Religion
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 1/99
Joke:
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and went in for coronary surgery. The operation went
well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy
waiting by his bed. "Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine", the nun said
while patting his hand. "We do have to know, however, how you intend to pay for your
stay here. Are you covered by insurance?
"No, I'm not", the man whispered hoarsely.
"Can you pay in cash?"
"I'm afraid I can't, Sister.
"Do you have any close relatives, then?"
"Just my sister in New Mexico, but she's a spinster nun."
"Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith",the nun replied. "They are married to
God."
"Okay",the man said with a smile, "then bill my brother-in-law!"
Category: Religion
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 1/99
Joke:
A confused 9-year-old goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God male or female?"
After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well, honey, God is both male and
female."
This confuses the little boy, so he asks, "Is God black or white?" "Well,
God is both black and white."
This further confuses the boy so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?"
At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless, "Honey, God is both
gay and straight."
At this the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, "Mom,
is God Michael Jackson?"
Category: Religious
Advertisement: Jaun O'Bees Humor Pages http://www.members.tripod.com/~JaunObee/
Date: 1/14/00
Joke: A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father,who was a
minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, "I'll
make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little, and get your
hair cut, then we will talk about it"
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss
his use of the car. His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought
your grades up, you've studied your bible
diligently, but you didn't get hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know dad, I've been thinking about
that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even
Jesus had long hair."
His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"
Category: Heaven
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 1/99
Joke: A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and wanders over to the confessional
box. He opens the door, sits down and says nothing.
The bewildered priest waits for a few minutes, allowing the drunken man some time to
collect his thoughts. Growing impatient, the priest coughs to attract his attention, but
still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final
attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one
either."
Category: Heaven
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Date: 7/21/99
Joke: Going to Heaven?
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says,
"Ah, you're an engineer - you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to
the gates of hell and is let in.
Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts
designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush
toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, "So, how's it
going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've
got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this
engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an
engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gotten down there; send him up
here."
Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping
him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs
uproariously and says, "Yeah right. And
just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?""
Category: Heaven
Advertisement: MichelleN
Date: 8/22/99
Joke:
A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the
operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and
asks if this is it. God says "no" and explains that she has another 30 years to
live. Upon recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift,
liposuction, a breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even had her hair color changed.
Figuring since she had another 30 years to live, she might as well make the most of it.
She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance
speeding up to the hospital. She arrives in front of God and complains: " I thought
you said I had another 30
years".
God answered, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you ".
Category: Heaven
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thought-provoking
Date: 6/10/99
Joke: One day James is struck by a bus and instantly finds himself at the gates to hell. A
very nice demon escorts him to Satan's inner office and invites him to sit down.
Soon the devil himself comes into the room and James breaks out in a cold sweat. The devil
begins to chuckle and asks James, "What's wrong old friend"? "You've been a
politician your whole life... certainly you must have known you'd be coming down
here..."
With that James began to shake and his eyes swelled up with tears... "Is this for an
eternity"? he asked.
Satan nodded his head in affirmation.
With that James completely lost his composure and the devil found himself in the company
of an emotional wreck.
"Awll... come on now", said the devil... "It's not really all that bad down
here..."
"Sure, sure it does get hot in the summers and the A/C rarely works... you never get
to see your family again... and yes, at times that sulfur smell is really foul... but it's
not all that bad!"
James looked up and seemed curious... "Well, Satan, sir... Is there anything god
about hell?
"Why sure, James" said the prince of darkness. "Now, how do you feel about
drinking? "You like it?"
James nodded and said, "Well, I've been known to knock back a few in my day..."
"Excellent" said the devil..."See- every Monday is Drink Day here in
hell... you can drink all the booze you want... get totally bombed- but you never pass
out, never get sick, and you never have a hang-over"!
"That does sound pretty cool", admitted James
"And get this... how do you feel about smoking"? inquired the devil.
"Used to love it", answered James.
With that, Satan explained how every Wednesday was Tobacco night. Again all the indulging
you want... without the risks.
Satan proceeded to describe Thursday as being Hot Sex Night. All the worlds most beautiful
sluttiest women are on hand to do the things that bad boys love.
James' face lit up as he rose to his feet. "Satan, this is a pretty nice place you
run here and thanks for explaining everything to me... I guess I was just nervous".
"I'll be ok down here after all..."
With that, James crossed the floor to leave and heard the devil say: "Oh, yea...
James! ... just one more little thing before you go..."
"How would you feel about being screwed in the ass all night long by horney little
demons"?
"Oh No"! said James... "No! ... that would be terrible- I wouldn't like
that a bit!"
"Oh that's too bad" said Satan as he stood shaking his head.. "Your gonna
hate Fridays!"
Last Page Update
08/10/10
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