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Last Page Update
08/10/10 |
Once upon a time, there was a happy little fly buzzing around a barnwhen she
happened upon a large pile of fresh cow manure. Since it had
been hours since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pains, she
flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to pig out. She ate
and ate...and then...she ate some more!
Finally, she decided she'd had plenty. She washed her face with her
tiny front legs, belched a few times, then attempted to fly away. But,
alas...she had eaten far too much and could not get off the ground.
Wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation, she looked around
and spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall. She'd
found a solution! She realized if she could just climb up that handle and
jump
off to become airborne she'd be able to fly again. So, she
painstakingly climbed to the top of the handle. Once there, she took
deep breath, spread her tiny wings, and leaped confidently into the
air. She dropped like a rock and splattered all over the
floor.
Dead Fly.
What is the moral of this sad story?
"Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of shit."
- An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of
sightseeing. While sipping his Sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious
looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the
smell was tantalizing. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just
served?" The waiter replied, "Ah, senor, you have excellent taste!
Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on
vacation! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry
senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight
each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure
to save you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that
evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few
bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and
said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I
saw you serve yesterday!" The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied,
"Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins!"
Sheep herding
A shepherd was tending his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a
brand-new Jeep Cherokee appeared out of a dust cloud, advanced toward him and
stopped.
The driver, a 20-year-old young man wearing a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray
Ban sunglasses and a YSL tie, leaned out of the window and asked our shepherd,
"If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you
give me one?"
The shepherd looked at the young guy, then at his peacefully grazing flock,
and calmly answered, "Sure."
The young man parked his car, whipped out his notebook computer, connected it
to a cell phone, surfed to a NASA page on the Internet where he called up a GPS
satellite navigation system, scanned the area, then opened up a database and
some Excel spreadsheets with complex formulas. He finally printed out a 150-page
report on his hi-tech miniaturized printer, turned around to our shepherd and
said, "You have here exactly 1,586 sheep!"
"Amazing! That's correct! Like I agreed, you can take one of my
sheep," said the shepherd. He watched the young guy make a selection and
bundle it into his Cherokee.
When he was finished the sheepherder said, "If I can tell you exactly
what your political persuasion is, where you're from and who you work for, will
you give me my sheep back?"
"Okay, why not," answered the young man.
"You're a Democrat from Palm Beach and you're working for Jesse
Jackson," said the shepherd.
"That's correct," said the young man. "How did you know
that?"
"Easy", answered the shepherd. "Nobody called you, but you
showed up here anyway. You want to be paid for the solution to a question I
already knew the answer to. And, you don't know shit about my business because
you just took my dog."
Blue Ribbon:
While out riding one day a cowboy met an Indian riding along with a dog and a sheep and
began a conversation.Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to
him?"
Indian: "Dog no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Indian: Look of shock
Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" pointing at Indian.
Dog:: "Yep"
Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the
lake once a week to play."
Indian: Look of total disbelief
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Indian: "Horse no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Indian: Extreme look of shock
Cowboy: "Is this your owner? " pointing at Indian
Horse: "Yep"
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often,
and keeps me in a shed to protect me."
Indian: Total look of utter amazement
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Indian: "Sheep liar."
A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he
notices his oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the
motor, so he stops at the first gas station. While waiting for the car to be repaired, the
penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop, and being a penguin in
Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He sits down to eat.
Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers. After
finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's
found the problem. The mechanic looks up from the engine and says, "It looks like
you've blown a seal." "No, no," the penguin replies wiping his mouth,
"it's just ice cream."
Category: Misc.
Advertisement: Notice all the SFI six figure income ADS Think its real? A member of BBB
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Date: 3/25/01
Joke:
What do you call a dog with no legs ? I dont care what you call him , he's not coming.
How many animals can you fit into a pair of Pantyhose?
Answer:
10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 ass, 1 beaver, an unknown number of hares, and a fish no
one can find.
A woman went into a pet shop to buy her husband a pet. After looking around she
realized that all the pets there were very expensive. She went to the counter and
questioned the clerk. "I want to buy my husband a pet, but all of yours are so
expensive", she said.
"Well," said the clerk, "I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50.00.
Would you like to see it?"
"$50.00?? For a frog??" asked the woman.
The clerk said, "It's a special frog. It gives blow jobs."
Well, the woman did not particularly enjoy giving head, so she thought this was a heck of
a deal. She'd get her husband a gift he'd surely enjoy, and she'd never have to do that
again. The woman decided to buy the frog. She took it home to her husband and explained
the strange gift. Of course, the husband was abit skeptical, but said for sure he'd try it
out that night. The woman went to bed that night relieved knowing she'd never have to give
another blow job.
Around 2am she woke up to hear pots and pans banging around in the kitchen. She got up to
go see what was going on. When she got to the kitchen she saw her husband and the frog,
sitting at the kitchen table like best buddies, looking through cookbooks.
"What are you two doing looking through cookbooks at this hour?" asked the
woman.
The guy looks up at her and says, "Well, if I can teach this frog to cook, your ass
is out of here!"
Blue Ribbon
A family of moles had been hibernating all winter. One beautiful spring morning,
they woke up.
The father mole stuck his head out of the hole and looked around. "Mother Mole!"
He called back down the hole. "Come
up here! I smell honey, fresh made honey!"
The mother mole ran up and squeezed in next to him. "That's not honey, that's maple
syrup! I smell maple syrup!"
The baby mole, still down in the hole, was sulking. "I can't smell anything down here
but molasses...."
It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending
the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute loose-fitting,pink spring dress,
sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt. The
zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the
ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the
girl, the gorilla goes ape (no pun intended). He jumps up on the bars, and
holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his
free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny.
He suggests that his wife teases the poor fellow some more. The husband
suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She
does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited making noises that would wake the
dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps
fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars
down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at
him," he says... This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and he starts
doing flips. Then the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips
open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage
door shut.
"Now, tell HIM you have a headache."
Once there were a chicken and a horse playing together in a barn yard.
Suddenly the horse falls into a mud-pit! He yells out to the chicken: HELP, HELP!!! Go get
the farmer, save me, save me!!! The chicken goes looking for the farmer but can't find
him. So he gets the farmer's BMW and drives it over to the mud-pit, lasso's the horse,
ties it to the car and pulls him out. The horse says "Thank you! Thank you! I owe you
my life, chicken... A couple of days later they are playing there again. But this time the
chicken falls into the mud-pit and calls out to the horse: Help me, help me!!!! Go get the
farmer!!! But the horse says, There's no time!!! But I think I can reach you, hold on! The
horse stretches it's 4 legs across the mud-pit and yells at the chicken, "Grab onto
my dick!!!!!" The chicken grabs on, the horse stretches back and saves the chicken's
life ...... So!!!!! Whats the moral to the story????????
If you have a dick the size of a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
Category: Animals
Advertisement: Go here to make lots of money fast! http://www.sixfigureincome.com/?350554
Date: 8/4/00
Joke:
3 mice were in a bar gettin drunk! they were sittin around discussing which one of them
was the toughest
mouse. The first mouse said " when I find a mouse trap, I lye on my back, trip the
trap with my back legs,
when the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, then I bench press it 20 times to work up
an appetite then
I eat the cheese!
Second mouse says: " thats nothin! When i find some mouse poison, i pound it into a
fine powder and
mix a little in my coffee every mornin to get a good buzz to start off the day!
The first and second mice turn to the third mouse and ask him what makes him so tough.
The third mouse says: "I dont have time for this bullshit! I gotta get home and fuck
the cat!"
Category: Animals
Advertisement: Sunshine
Date: 10/5/99
Joke:
A burglar broke into a home and was looking around. He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus
is watching you". Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search.
Again the voice said "Jesus is watching you". He turned his flashlight around
and saw a parrot in a cage. He asked the parrot if he was the one talking and the parrot
said yes. He asked the parrot what his name was and the parrot said Moses. The burglar
asked..."what kind of people would name a parrot Moses?" The parrot said,
"the kind of people who would name their pit bull Jesus".
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast
of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship
that had harpooned his father many years earlier.
He said to the female whale, "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out our air
holes at the same time and
it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the
ship turned over and quickly sank.
Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to
the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the
female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up
before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming
reluctant to follow him.
"Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse
to swallow the seamen."
Category: Animals
Advertisement: Go here to make lots of money fast! http://www.sixfigureincome.com/?350554
Date: 8/4/00
Joke:
3 mice were in a bar gettin drunk! they were sittin around discussing which one of them
was the toughest
mouse. The first mouse said " when I find a mouse trap, I lye on my back, trip the
trap with my back legs,
when the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, then I bench press it 20 times to work up
an appetite then
I eat the cheese!
Second mouse says: " thats nothin! When i find some mouse poison, i pound it into a
fine powder and
mix a little in my coffee every mornin to get a good buzz to start off the day!
The first and second mice turn to the third mouse and ask him what makes him so tough.
The third mouse says: "I dont have time for this bullshit! I gotta get home and fuck
the cat!"
Category: Animals
Advertisement: SShaboat 's Home Page http://www.geocities.com/RodeoDrive/Outlet/3546
Date: 12/99
Joke:The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a doggie bar having a drink
when a good-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver
and cheese in a sentence can have me."
So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese."
The Collie says, "That's not good enough."
The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese."
She says, "That's not creative."
Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone......cheese mine."
Category: Animals
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 2/99
Joke:
A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him
back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet
examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog,
regrettable, is dead.
The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the
dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's
body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says,
"I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.
The vet brings in a black labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and
finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry,
but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes.
The vet answers, "$650.
"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man....
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial
diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."
Category: Animals
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 2/99
Joke:Visits to the Zoo
A woman goes to a zoo, and while there was watching the monkeys. A zoo attendant throws a
box of fruit into the cage and all the monkeys scurried to get their share. One particular
monkey grabbed a banana and climbed up on a limb and carefully peeled it. The monkey then
stuck the banana up his rectum and pulled it out and ate it.
The poor woman who witnessed this was absolutely disgusted! She immediately went to the
zoo manager to complain about the dirty monkey.
After explaining what the monkey did, the zoo manager said, "We have a perfectly good
explanation for that ma'am."
"Well, I would like to hear it then! I cannot imagine any excuse for that kind of
behavior!", exclaimed the woman.
"Last week the attendant threw a box of fruit into the cage and the same monkey
grabbed a peach. ...The monkey ate it so fast he swallowed the pit."
"I don't understand", demanded the angry woman.
"Well, you see the monkey had so much trouble passing the pit, now he sizes
everything before he eats it!"
Category: Animals
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 2/99
Joke:
A man walks into a bar and says "Bartender gimme a triple shot of Jack".
The bartender pours, and the man downs it, slams the glass on the bar and says
"Another". The bartender pours another.
The man downs it and says "Another". As the bartender pours the third glass he
says, "Mister you drink like you have a problem. Want to talk about it?"
The man says, "Ten years, ten years I've been married to my wife, and today I go home
a little early to surprise her, and I find my best friend, MY BEST FRIEND, in bed having
sex with her."
The bartender says " Geez, what did you say."
The man says " I told him, BAD DOG!! BAD DOG!!".
Category: Animals
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 1/99
Joke:
A lady approaches her priest and tells him "Father, I have a problem. I have two
female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitues. 'Want to have some fun?"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to
your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them
with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My
parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female
parrots will learn to praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responded.
The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two
male parrots are holding the rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts
her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say "Hi we're
prostitutes, want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the
beads away, brother. Our prayers have been answered"!
Category: Animals
Advertisement: Visit the homepage named "Site of the Month" by Frugal Squirrel's
Patriot Home Page. Big-Government loving, Welfare check getting, cry babies... Skip this
one!
Date: 6/9/99
Joke:
Start a conversation to a friend as follows:
Did you hear about the three trained acrobatic elephants that escaped from their handler
inAfrica?
No? God... it's terrible. They say that the elephants had huge springs on their feet that
were used in the act they'd perform. Apparently the elephants escaped because they had
been abused and beaten over something they had been doing that made the animal handlers
really mad...
Friend: Really? What?
Well, it seems several of the elephants began raping little spider monkeys... strange but
they even caught the elephants doing it-- Once they'd get a hold of the monkey they were
brutal...they'd rape that spider monkey until it was half dead!.
(Now stop and walk away or change the conversation to a different topic)
WAIT 5 or 10 MINUTES... then ask...
Hey, do you know about the little spider monkeys that live up in the trees in Africa...?
Do you know what sound really scares the hell out of them?
ANSWER: BOING... BOING.... BOING... BOING!!!
Category: Animals
Advertisement: progun1's Firearms and Freedom Homepage. Please visit us at:
http://homepages.go.com/~progun1/progun1.html
Date: 6/2/99
Joke:
It seems one day, Cathy comes home from work a bit early. She comes throught the door with
her arms full of groceries. As usual she is met by her her K-9 pal, Butch- a 175 pound
Great Dane. But this time her home coming was different. The horrific events that followed
prompted Cathy and Butch to take a visit with their local vet later that week...
'Doctor... this is terrible. Last Monday I came home and as I walked in the door- Butch
attacked me. He knocked me to the floor and tugged away at my clothes. I was shocked when
I felt him using his paws to tear off my panties. Then Butch got on top of me... Oh,
Doctor...he placed himself deep inside me and started going to town. Oh God... there I was
on thefloor looking up at him... his big hairy face and fangs. A few minutes later it was
over and Butch just walked away like nothing had happened. I got off the floor- shaken and
confused...my body scratched from head to toe."
"I was sure this was an isolated incident doctor, but it happened again on Tuesday
and there was a repeat performance yesterday afternoon. Oh, please doctor... is there
anything you can do...?"
The doctor contemplated the situation for a moment and devised a plan. "Well, Cathy,
we'll
start by putting Butch on Prozac... this should alter his behavior in a positive way.
Additionally I would strongly advise you consider having Butch's testicles removed... this
will certainly curb his sex drive and eliminate such attacks in the future."
"Oh God",... Cathy said tearfully... "that all sounds so harsh... isn't
there anything less drastic that we could try?"
"I was just hoping you would brush his teeth and trim his nails..."
Last Page Update
08/10/10 |
