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 Blonde jokes - can we ever get enough of them?
Blondes - Will they ever get even? We have compiled some of the best blonde jokes below.
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08/10/10
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A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help
me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it
started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished.
Theblonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in
and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies
the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble
these pieces into anything resembling a tiger..."
"Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a glass of wine, then put
all these Frosted Flakes back in the
box!"
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Live TV is the Best! This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2
days and a very embarrassed blonde female news anchor who will, in the future,
likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get
any............
True story...we had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed
to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked "So Bob,
where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" He and half of the crew
had to leave the set they were laughing so hard.
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The owner of a golf course at Hilton Head was confused about paying an
invoice, so he decided to ask his blonde secretary for some math help. He called
her into his office and said, "You graduated from Florida State University,
If I were to give you $40,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my
earrings
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Two sisters, a blonde and a brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase
a bull so they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook,
then decides to take their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a
man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "If I
decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it
home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she
does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram
to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to
hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it
home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds,
"It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that
she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few
minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word
'comfortable.'"
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know
that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here
to haul that bull back to your ranch if you just write 'comfortable?'"
The brunette explains, "My sister's a blonde. She'll read it
slowly."
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Did You Hear About The Blonde Who...
1. Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight...
2. Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope...
3. Can't work in a pharmacy because the bottles won't fit into the typewriter...
4. Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said
"2 to 4 years"
5. Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out...
6. Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button...
7. When asked what the capital of California was; answered "C"
8. Burned her nose bobbing for french fries...
9. Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and
she weighed 125...
10. Can't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those little
packets.
11. Hates M&M's because they are so hard to peel...
12. Got hurt while raking leaves -- She fell out of the tree...
13. Changes the baby's diaper only once a month because the label said
"good up to 20 pounds"...
14. After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the
other swimmers were using their arms...
15. Always went 'vroom-screech-vroom-screech' trying to leave an intersection at
a flashing red light...
16. Was trying to get into her car using a coat hanger.
17. She was in a hurry because it was starting to rain and the top was down.
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A Blonde goes over to her friends' house wearing a T.G.I.F. tee-shirt.
"Why are you wearing a Thank God it's Friday tee-shirt on Monday?"
"Oh !" the blonde says, "I thought it meant Tits Go In Front!"
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7 Blonde Jokes
ONE--------A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning, the
blonde wife, picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know,
that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?"
The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear.'
"
TWO-------Two blondes are walking down the street: One notices a compact on the
sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it; looks in the mirror and says,
"Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me
see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror
and says, "You dummy,it's me!"
THREE-------A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and
buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds
him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to
take out the gun, and as she does so she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and
puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it." The blonde
replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
FOUR--A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says,
"Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the
capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W!
FIVE--What did the blonde say to her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is
it mine?"
SIX--A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she
managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick
when the state trooper arrived. "My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car
looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine!" the blonde chirped. " Well, how in the world
did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it
was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when
from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there
was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right
and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ..." "Uh,
ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off. "There isn't a tree on this road for
30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."
SEVEN--------Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked
and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police
dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the
first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the
blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down
on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my
possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND
policeman!"
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School is Hard
--------------
Bambi, the blonde in her fourth year as a freshman at UCLA, sat in her U.S. Government
class.
The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi thought a moment, then answered, "that was the decision George Washington had
to make when he decided to cross the Delaware."
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A blonde was driving home and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was
covered with dents, so the next day she took it to the repair shop. The shop owner saw
that she was a blonde and decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow
into the tail pipe really hard and all the dents would pop out.
The blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her
tail pipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder and still nothing happened. Her
roommate, also a blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?" The blonde
told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get
all the dents to pop out.
Her blonde roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Hell-oooo! You need to roll up
the windows first !!
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She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
... under "education" on her job application, she
put "Hooked On Phonics."
... she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can
because it said "concentrate."
... when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the
home, she moved.
... she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
... she had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she
thought stood for "This Goes In Front."
... she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
... she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
... she thought a quarterback was a refund.
... she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
... she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
... she thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
... she thought General Motors was in the army.
... she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
... she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
... she tripped over a cordless phone.
... she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK"
and "DON'T WALK."
... at the bottom of the application where it says "sign
here," she put "Sagittarius."
... she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
... she studied for a blood test.
... she thought she needed a token to get on "Soul
Train."
... she sold the car for gas money!
... when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice
instead.
... when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said
"Airport Left," she turned around and went home.
... if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
... she thought that she could not use her AM radio in the
evening.
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To prepare for his big date, the young man went on top of the roof of his
apartment building in order to get a little color for himself. Not wanting any tan
lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude. Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep
while on the roof, and managed to get sunburned on his "tool of trade."
Being very determined the young man decided not to miss his date because it was with a hot
blonde. So, he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze, feeling this should
resolve his painful situation. >The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and
the young man treated her to a home-cooked dinner, after which they went into the living
room to watch a movie. During the movie, however, the young man's sunburn started
acting up. After several minutes of extreme discomfort he asked to be excused, went to the
kitchen, and poured a tall, cold glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member
in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain. The blonde, however,
wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to find him with his johnson
immersed in a glass of milk. Baffled, the blonde exclaimed, "So, THAT'S how you
load those things!"
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Blonde Cowboy
A Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and
sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun
and his boots. So the sheriff arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up
he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?" Cowboy " Well it's
like this Sheriff. I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me
to go out to her motor home with her....and I did. We go inside and she pulls
off her top and asks ! me to pull off my shirt. so I did Then she pulls off
her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants so I did...Then she pulls off her panties
and asks me to pull off my shorts.So I did... Then she gets on the bed and looks at
me kind of funny and says, Now go to town cowboy. So here I am."
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A
beautiful, well endowed, young blond, after several unsuccessful relationships, decided she needed a pet to come home to. After all, a pet, she decided, would
always be there for her, and always love her no matter what. She went to her local pet store in
search of an exotic creature of some kind. As
she looked about the store, she notices a box full of frogs.
The sign says: "Regular Frogs"
$5.00 each!......
"Oral Sex Frogs" $20.00 each.
"Money Back Guarantee! Comes with
complete instructions." The girl excitedly looks around to see if
anybody's watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter. "I'll take one of those $20.00 frogs." The man packages up one of the $20.00 frogs
and reassures his customer, saying, "Just follow the instructions
very carefully." The blond nods,
grabs the box, and quickly heads home. As soon as she closes the door to
her apartment, the blond takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly,
doing exactly what it says to do......
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed, spread your legs and put the frog
down "there."
She quickly gets into bed, puts the frog between her legs and, to her surprise,
nothing happens! She is
totally frustrated and quite upset at this point.
She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper
it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store
immediately." Aggravated, the blond
calls the pet store.
The man says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over." Within five
minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blond
welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the
instructions and the damn thing just sits there."
The man, looking very concerned, picks up
the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen you dumb
son-of-a-bitch. I'm only going to
show you how to do this one more time!"
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Category: Blonde
Advertisement:
Date: 11/13/00
Joke:
A blond walked in a shoe store and she went though all the shoes in the store and then she
seen a Mexican lady walk out with some really nice alligator boots and the blond girls
just had to have them! so she went to tell the clerk how much were the boots , she was
outraged by the price of the boots.... she got mad and stormed out of the store yelling
that she would catch her own alligator....
later that day when the clerk was coming home after a long day at work he was passing
though this road were there was a swamp and there was the blond lady with 4 alligators
dead and about to shot another one between the eyes.. the clerk got out of the car and
asked the blonde what she was doing she said "I'm getting my own alligator shoes ,but
none of them seem to have shoes on"....
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A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a
small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his
usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts
shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you
can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her
worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at
work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person...because you
and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women
in general...and all in the name of humor!"
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You
stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little fucker on your knee!"
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A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as
a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had
any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will
you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about fifty dollars?" The man agreed and told
her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the
garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation
and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way
around the house?" The man replied, "She
should, she was standing on it." A short time later, the
blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it
two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his
pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a
Ferrari."
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Category: Blonde
Advertisement: Want to get rich? Here's how you can be your own boss and make up to
R40000/$490000 a month. Email me at juliemp@mweb.co.za to find out how. It's easy.
Date: 10/5/00
Joke:
How do you get a blond with one arm to fall out of a tree?
Wave to her.
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Subject: Blonde and Flowers
Blonde & Brunette friends are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the
brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh, crap,
my boyfriend is buying me flowers again.....for no reason." The blonde looks
quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal, don't you like getting
flowers?" The brunette says, "Oh sure.....but he always has expectations after
getting me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back
with my legs in the air.". The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"
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A guy is having a drink in a bar. A lot of drinks. A very darkbar. He leans over
to the big woman next to him and says, "Do you wanna hear a funny blonde joke?"
The big woman replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know
something. Sure, I'm blonde, and six feet tall, 210 lb. and I'm a professional triathlete
and bodybuilder. The blonde woman sitting next to me is 6'2" and 220; she's an ex-pro
wrestler. Next to her is a blonde who's 6'5", weighs 250 lb., and she's a kick boxer
professional. Now, do you still want to tell that blonde joke?"
The guy blinks and swallows, thinks about it a second and says; "No, not if I'm going
to have to explain it three times."
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> She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
> She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
> She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
> She thought a quarterback was a refund.
> She put M&M's in alphabetical order.
> She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
>
> She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
> She thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
> She thought General Motors was in the army.
> She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
> At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she
> put "Sagittarius."
>
> She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
> She tripped over a cordless phone.
> She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it
> said, "concentrate."
> She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T
> WALK."
> She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
>
> She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
> She studied for a blood test.
> She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
> She sold the car for gas money!
> When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
> When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport
> Left," she turned around and went home.
>
> She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
> When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home,
> she moved.
> She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
> If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
> She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
> She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for
> "This Goes In Front."
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Category: Blonde
Advertisement: http://www.geocities.com/jbsair/
Date: 8/14/00
Joke:
Q: Why are blonde's coffins Y-shaped?
A: Because as soon as they are on their backs, their legs open.
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Category: Blonde
Advertisement:
Date: 7/19/00
Joke:
Three blondes walk into a bar, order 12 bottles
of champange and start celebrating. One of them got so
carried away that she started yelling "51 Days!! 51 Days!!".
Three more blondes come into the bar, join the
celebration and they too cut loose and yelled "51 days! Can
you believe it!?! 51 days!!"
Three more blondes come in, see their friends
just partying like there is no tomorrow, so they join in. Soon
they too are chanting "51 Days!! YES! 51 Days!!"
A tenth blond walks in carrying a box. She
carries it over to the table, sets is down and joins the party.
This whole scene has the bartender perplexed, so he goes over to the table and askes the
tenth blonde what
the significance of 51 days. She tells him to look in the box. Inside the box is a
completed picture puzzle of the
cookie monster, along with the box that it came in. The bartender looks at it and was
still confused, so he
asked the blonde again what was so special about it.
The tenth blonde looks at the bartender and
said, "Well duh! It says right here on the box 2 to 4 years and we
did it in only 51 DAYS!!!!"
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A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body
hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and
screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?
She says "No, I'm really a blonde".
"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."
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Category: Blondes
Advertisement: SShaboat 's Home Page http://www.geocities.com/RodeoDrive/Outlet/3546
Date: 06/00
Joke:Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby
was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash,
the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat
down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find
all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a
BLIND policeman!"
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Category: Blondes
Advertisement: SShaboat 's Home Page http://www.geocities.com/RodeoDrive/Outlet/3546
Date: 12/99
Joke:The Blond And The Ventriloquist.
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small
town. He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a big blonde woman in
the fourth row stands on her chair and says: "I've heard just about enough of your
denigrating blonde jokes, creep.
What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical
attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women
like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as
a person .because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only
blondes but women at large ... all in the name of humor."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up, "You stay
out of this, Mister, I'm talking to that little 'Jerk' on your knee!"
Category: Blondes
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 3/99
Joke: Yesterday I came back to my office from Court. There was a new secretary (a very
attractive blonde) in the office down the hall from me. She flagged me down and asked for
help. "My floppy drive won't work, can you help me ?" she asked.
I told her I'd take a look and proceeded over to her machine, where I found shredded up
clear plastic Baggie-like stuff hanging out of her 3.5" floppy drive. While I spent
the next 20 minutes getting out her disk and digging out the plastic, I noticed two guys,
John and Dave, in the hall trying awfully hard to keep straight faces. Suspecting some
mischief, I asked her how the plastic got into the drive.
"Oh, you mean the condom!", she said.
"Condom???", I asked.
"Yes, John & Dave over there told me to always put a condom on my disk before
inserting it, to prevent catching viruses."
By this point, John & Dave were roaring, and it was all I could do to keep from
joining them. The "condom" turned out to be a standard 3.5" plastic
sleeve.; I delicately explained to her that a practical joke had been played, and she
shouldn't do that anymore, when she asked (as serious as one could be):
"Does that mean I don't have to stroke it ten times or blow on it either???"
Blue Ribbon
Category: Blondes
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 3/99
Joke:
Three blondes died in a car crash trying to jump the Grand Canyon and are at the pearly
gates of heaven. St Peter tells them that they can enter the gates only if they can answer
one simple religious question.
The question posed by St. Peter is "What is Easter"?
The first blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when
everyone gets together, eats turkey and are thankful..."
"Wrong!, you are not welcome here, I'm afraid. You must go to the other place!"
replies St. Peter. He turns to the second blond, and asks her the same question:
"What is Easter?"
The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice
tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."
St Peter looks at the second blonde, bangs his head on the on the pearly gates in disgust
and tells her she's wrong and will have to join her friend in the other place. She is not
welcome in Heaven. He then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "Do
YOU know what Easter is"?
The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St Peter in the eyes, "I know what
Easter is."
"Oh?" says St Peter, incredulously.
"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of
Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later
deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be
crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on
a cross with nails through his hands and feet. He was buried in a nearby cave which was
sealed off by a large boulder."
St Peter smiled broadly with delight.
The third blonde continued... "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus
can come out and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."
Blue Ribbon
Category: Blondes
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 3/99
Joke:
A blonde walks in to a pawn shop. She looks around for a while and then approaches the
clerk. ''I would like to buy that TV over there.''
The clerk says ''I am sorry lady we don't serve blondes here.''
The blonde leaves in a huff. The next day she returns wearing a brunette wig. ''I would
like to purchase that TV over there.''
Again the clerk says ''Lady I told you yesterday we do not serve blondes here.''
Now the blonde is furious. The next day she dresses like a man (a suit, tie, mustache,
etc.). She approaches the clerk and says in a deep voice, ' 'I would like to purchase the
TV over there!''
The clerk says ''Lady I told you twice already we do not sell to blondes here!''
She says to the clerk ''How can you tell? Yesterday I wore a wig, today I am dressed like
a man, how can you tell it is me??''
He laughs and says, ''Because that's a microwave!!!!''
Category: Blondes
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 2/99
Joke:
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car,
he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
The trooper cranked down his window and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"No," the blonde yelled back,
"It's a scarf!"
Category: Blondes
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 2/99
Joke: At The Construction Site
A couple of blond men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blond men
walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck.
He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."
"Alright. How long do you need them?"
The customer paused for a minute and said, "Uh... I'd better go check." After
awhile, the blond returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a
house.
Category: Blondes
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 2/99
Joke:Blonde on a Diet
A blonde woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you
to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The
next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why,
that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The woman nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that
third day." "From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from skipping."
Category: Blondes
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 2/99
Joke:
Three women who work in the same office notice that their female boss has started leaving
work early every day, so one day they decide that after she leaves, they'll take off
early, too. After all, she never calls or comes back, so how is she to know?
The brunette is thrilled to get home early. She does a little gardening,watches a movie
and then goes to bed early.
The redhead is elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her health club before
meeting a dinner date.
The blonde is also very happy to be home early, but as she goes upstairs she hears noises
coming from her bedroom. She quietly opens the door a crack and is mortified to see her
husband in bed with HER BOSS!!
Ever so gently, she closes the door and creeps out of her house. The next day the brunette
and redhead talk about leaving early again, but when they ask the blonde if she wants to
leave early also, she exclaims, "NO WAY! Yesterday I almost got caught!"
Category: Blondes
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 1/99
Joke:
A blonde & brunette are in an elevator. On the third floor a man gets on who's
perfect: Italian suit, handsome, great build with a nice butt, but the bad part is they
both notice he has dandruff. The man gets off on the 5th floor.
Once the doors close, the brunette turns to the blonde and says, "Someone should give
him Head & Shoulders."
To which the blonde replies, "How do you give Shoulders?"
Category: Blondes
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 1/99
Joke:
A certain young man finally won a date with the blonde female of somewhat questionable
morals who lived in his apartment complex. To prepare for his big date, the young man went
up on the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan
lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude.
Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof and managed to get a sunburn on
his "manhood." But, the young man was determined not to miss his date, so he put
some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.
The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment. The young man treated her to a home
cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie. During the
movie, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up again.
He asked to be excused. Out of lotion, he went into the kitchen and poured a tall, cool
glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate
relief of his pain.
The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen. Upon seeing
him with his member immersed in a glass of milk, the blonde exclaimed, "So that's how
you guys load those things!"
Category: Blondes
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 1/99
Joke:
An inventive professor had this lie detecting chair. Whenever anybody sitting on it would
tell a lie, the chair would open up and the person would fall flat on the ground.
So in his experimentation a young brunette came in and sat down. The professor asked her
to tell about herself. She began, "I think I'm the most beautiful girl in this
region, and perhaps even in the whole world!", immediately after saying that the
chair opened up and she landed flat on her ass.
She stormed out, at which time a young blonde was invited in to sit. She sat down and was
invited to tell about herself. She began, "I think", and suddenly the chair
opened up and she fell flat on her ass!
Category: Blondes
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 1/99
Joke: A blonde and her girlfriend went to the beach for the day. As they wandered up and
down the shoreline in their bikinis, the girlfriend began to notice that the blonde seemed
to be having some difficulty walking.
The girlfriend finally said, "Did you hurt your leg or something?
You're walking very strangely."
The blonde replied, "I have a big date tonight and I've got curlers in my hair."
Category: Blondes
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 1/99
Joke: THE LEATHER MINI-SKIRT
In a busy city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young blonde woman was waiting for the
bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini-skirt with matching tight leather boots
and jacket.
As the bus rolled up and it was her turn to get on the bus, she became aware that her
skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the buses first step. So,
slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her and
unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her
leg.
Again she tried to make the step onto the bus, only to discover she still could not make
the step. A little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her and unzipped her
skirt a little more. And for a second time she attempted the step - and once again, much
to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.
With a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a
little more slack and again was unable to make the step.
About this time the big Texan who was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the
waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned
on the would-be hero, screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even
know who you are!!"
At this the Texan drawled, " Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after
you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."
Category: Blondes
Advertisement: KennyG
Date: 1/99
Joke:
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of
Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very
reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very
frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde
shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of
shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch
yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an
alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home when he spots the young woman standing
waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator
swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of
effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead
creatures.
The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's
back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes
either!"
Category: Blonde
Advertisement: SShaboats Puppet MANIA!!!! http://bennyhills.fortunecity.com/barr/486/
Date: 6/19/99
Joke:
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of
Bakersfield, a blonde, new to boating was having a problem.
No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her brand new 22-ft Bayliner boat to
perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every
maneuver, no matter how much power she applied.
After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe
they could tell her what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything was in
perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was
the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check
underneath. He
came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Have a good joke? Why not submit it to www.spruance.com/submitajoke.htm or e-mail it to jokes@spruance.com
Have
a good joke?
Why not submit it to www.spruance.com/submitajoke.htm
or
e-mail it to jokes@spruance.com
Last Page Update
08/10/10
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